A Serendipitous Gift of Healing

All of us carry within ourselves something that is waiting for the right moment when it can burst out and repair the particular separation that we are experiencing.

Malidoma Some

Opportunities to release attachment to unconscious stories and their patterns show up in ways that are least expected. When this happens, the next step is to be able to see the opportunity and then have the courage and stamina to embrace it.

In March 2023, five days before I returned to Canada from Australia, I injured my ankle. I was simply walking down the sidewalk when I rolled my ankle. I was shocked. The idea that I could sustain an ankle injury while walking on a flat surface had never entered my mind. I have done a lot of hiking in rough terrain and have never injured an ankle.

That particular day, my six-year-old granddaughter was ahead of me, dancing and singing, freely expressing her joy to the world. Her entire being was exhibiting aliveness as she fully engaged in the present moment. As I watched her, I was very aware of the heaviness I was carrying in my heart that morning. I was not in the present moment. I couldn’t identify what was causing the heavy feeling and wasn’t having much success in raising my energy. I posed a question into the ether, asking what was stopping me from feeling the joy of the present moment. The next thing I knew, I was down on the sidewalk, and the tears were streaming as excruciating pain radiated through my ankle. The most fascinating part is that even in intense pain and clutching my ankle, I knew I was not a victim. This experience had a purpose, and it had to do with my question.

The day after I arrived home, I went to see a member of my wellness team. She is very intuitive and I needed her to shine the light on the emotion that was creating the heaviness in my heart when I injured my ankle. Placing her hand on my ankle, she tapped into the energy that was being held there and when she shared that it was childhood grief and I felt resistance, I knew it was no longer unconscious. In that moment, my journey into grief began.

In the past, I have used movement like walking or yoga, to work through the intensity of emotion when I am consciously working with a wound. With my movement being limited, I had to find another way to process my emotion. Just as I had taught the women I supported in physical birth to surrender into the intensity of their birth pain, I now needed to surrender into the pain of grief. I didn’t know if I had the strength and stamina to keep surrendering into the intensity of the pain of grief without moving my body. I trusted my ability to surrender into physical pain without movement but not with emotional pain. I would have rather turned away from it. However, to get into the core wound that lay under the grief, it was necessary for me to literally be in the intensity of the grief, feel it and surrender into it. I learned that the part of me that chose to embrace it was stronger than the part of me that wanted to turn away from it

My injured ankle was a serendipitous gift of multilayered healing. The ankle injury itself became a trivial inconvenience. I knew my ankle would heal, so I was no longer resisting being less mobile than normal. I could see its purpose. I needed to be slowed down to embrace the emotional pain in a way that would allow the wound to be revealed and I accepted that. The ultimate gift was being shown that many of my life experiences that resulted in experiencing grief were generated by the unconscious wound of separation. With this new level of awareness, I allowed the grief stored in my body, to move through me. Through tears and deep primal wailing, my body released the years of accumulated grief.

I can look back on my life now through a different lens. I am aware that the heaviness that I was experiencing in my heart the day I injured my ankle has been felt when I encountered separation from heart energy. I remember when I was child and experienced separation primarily from my mother, I expressed what I was feeling through a very primal sounding wailing. I was punished for my behaviour as that was not how good girls should behave, so I in effort to be a good girl so I could experience heart connection, I became very skilled at pushing the grief down and turning away from the pain it generated. I feel immense love and compassion for my younger self, as I didn’t know the wound of separation was in the driver’s seat of my life. All I wanted was to be loved, to feel that heart connection. I also feel love and compassion for my mother. She too was unconsciously making her choices from of a wound of separation. That is how these intergenerational wounds, their stories are passed down.

Birth Your True Self

Five weeks into the healing process, magic happened. The question that I had spoken into the ether was answered. I realized that the freedom, the love and joy experienced by being in the present moment was the gift that was on the other side of the grief. Grief was blocking me from being in the present moment the day I injured my ankle. I was unconsciously grieving my upcoming separation from my daughter and granddaughter. The only way to experience the gift of healing was clearing the grief by becoming aware of it, allowing it space, acknowledging it, feeling it, accepting it and releasing attachment to it.

I asked the question, but I had to be open to receiving an answer that would require me to put some of my plans on hold. I needed to accept what was unfolding and work with a process that had its own timing. That took courage and stamina. I had no idea how much energy was spent carrying the weight of the unconscious grief or the amount of energy that protecting the separation wound required. My body is still adjusting to its new found freedom and lightness.

The truth is, we humans are designed to have the courage and stamina required to heal our wounds. We have intergenerational stories with big emotions generated by them that prevent us from knowing our authentic power. We have the power to unravel those stories and release attachment to the emotions that are keeping the wounds from healing. That power is our true self — our soul power.